nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
