just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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