my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
