Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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