This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
