mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
