my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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