i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
