Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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