ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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