I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ttyl tear gas
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
