I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
