how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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