If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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