will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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