I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
