A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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