Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
