Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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