dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sext me about skeletons
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
