Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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