Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
