Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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