You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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