i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Holy sore nipples Batman
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
