My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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