I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
