soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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