I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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