I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
