I met the friendliest cop last night
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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