omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
