things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
