either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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