Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just forgot I was standing up.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
