So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
