if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
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