Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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