I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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