she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
