Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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