I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
