New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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