ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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