Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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