I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I think my moral compass just broke
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
