my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
