You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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