Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
