Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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