saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
