I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
