3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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