I just saw a hot homeless man
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
