i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
sex in a hospital.. check
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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