I could make wine with my vomit
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
