if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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