Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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