All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
