i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
