I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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