It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
