It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
