Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
